her

everyone understands how she is feeling but it seems like no one is taking the time to wonder about me. does no one understand that maybe, just maybe, like her, I got my feelings hurt too? we are great friends and i just want EVERYTHING to go right back to how it was. I'm not a bitch i am just a nice girl who made a mistake and is beating herself up about it.

great

if the past makes you who you are then how do i forget about it??

i have a thing for doing stupid things on new years. this one has left me thinking.... for just a split second i would have sworn there was something there... if not our eyes wouldn't have locked like that. but now it is back to life as normal for you and I'm stuck in my thoughts. you said it is in the past but i cant stop thinking I know you will choose her and to be honest i don't even know if i want you, but if we are not going to try the why did you kiss me? after all we have been through, that's not fair. I was happy how things were until you changed the rules of the game, now i just don't know. you stirred up my emotions, the ones i thought were gone. So when you do choose to go to her, please don't forget that in the beginning it is going to hurt me. please know that you got me confused in a world i thought i understood. but things will be ok... give me time and I'll heal. please don't push me away, i didn't do anything wrong.

stressed and confused

School is kicking my butt, I have this physics class and it's not that the material is hard but it is just so much work. I think that my teacher doesn't understand that we do have other classes that require us to do other assignments. Physics is not going to help me in my future and I am not going to let my more important classes suffer due to one that I could care less about.
On the other hand while I'm soooo stressed about classes I'm tangled in a web about my own feelings and this stupid boy. I wish people were straight forward about things like "hey lets go on a lunch date" not "hey lets go out to lunch". I'm stuck in the latter situation and it's tough because I have no idea how this guy is feeling. Well, that's a lie, I have an idea but I feel like i am wrong. such mixed signals, how does a guy expect a girl to know what to do. Little did i know a few years ago that at the age of 21 I would be so confused about a boy. jeez!

I think the real problem here is that I am really a relationship girl living in a time of hook ups and one night stands. it's like everyone in college has quit looking for something real and only looks for something drunk and easy. even when I'm drunk I'm not easy so that leave me alone and upset.

still here

it has been quite a while since i have been on here. I want to make it a point to start doing this again. I have a lot of things going on now, but this blog thing lets me have a place to vent or think through my own shit. I have changed a ton since this blog was started but I am proud to say that I am still the same person that I want to and need to be.
Tonight I met a few people, all of whom were very different then me, but were raised the same ways. It was like i knew that they were people that maybe i could have been if i would have made a few different choices. but the thing is if i could go back and change anything I don't think I would. every choice, every success, every mistake, has made me in to me and i couldn't be happier.

wishes

believe

I wish I believed him when he said that he loves her. It would be easier for me if he was happy, but seeing him down like he gets around her... well that makes things hard.

it's like this is a trap that i set up for myself and now I'm stuck in it

Happy

" I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. "

I want people to be Happy, but I also know now that sometimes.... just sometimes.... I get to be number one. I tried to be nice and make someone else happy last time, but she was still angry... so this time around I'm not even trying... This one is for me

trying to work and go to school

I'm currently looking for a job, but there are basically none out there... at least none that will hire a college kid with classes to work around. It sucks because most of my classes are right in the middle of the afternoon so it is really tough to work around, and I understand that. It just stresses me out because all my friends are paying for things on their own and doing things to live on their own, but I'm still living mostly off of my parents.... is that wrong?

school

Currently I'm going to college and the closer my friends and I get to being finished the more the idea of being finished scares me to death. I can't even explain everything that I thought I would have done by graduation and now I'm realizing that those things are not happening. I plan on going away for 2 weeks on a vollenteer trip abrod. but that cant happen until i get $$ (like a lot, around 3000). I also thought that college was the time to meet the boy of my dreams, but as of now he is still just a figment of my dreams, no where to be found in this real world. I still want to internship (not likely in this economy). But even with all those things that I didn't get done yet, college has tought me a ton.... and not all academic (no, I learned about life, and who I am as a person).

Blog?

So a few years ago I started this thing, back then some of my friends actually read it and I wrote in it all the time... Now I stop in every once in a while just to update or read old posts, but I hope to start using this again. I figure since no one I know reads it I can just spill my guts and if the general public reads it I don't really care cause I don't know them.
Life right now is getting back on track, for a few weeks back around new years I felt like I had lost myself, but I found me again. And I think I found a me that is a little more sure of me.
There is this new show on MTV (lame I know) about making a list of things to do before you die... I thought about making a list but I really don't know what I would put on it... then I was talking to a friend of mine and decided that I had already done some of the things on my list (if that is I had a list), maybe the idea is that you don't need a list to tell you what to experience but instead you should just experience life as it comes to you. Take the opportunities that you have the chance to take (if you feel like it is the right choice for you).
Then another friend told me If you live life with no regrets then you are not living life.... I thought about that and I don't k now but I think that is very subjective, I can live life make a mistake but not regret the mistake that I made. I might feel bad about myself or the choice i made but at the same time I don't think regretting is good for you. Whats done is done, If you are not proud then don't do it again but you cant take it back, it is part of you now.

Finally

Finally, things are falling in to place. I have good friends. My roommates usually don't suck. And most importantly I'm happy.
It's like suddenly I figured it all out and now I know it's all ok.
The only thing that I'm missing now is you, but don't worry about it.... I'll wait for you cause, whoever you are, you are so going to be worth it!

life as of now

I can't even put anything on here, I'm so tired of living with these people and im so tired of seeing people waste their lives away. College is not about ruining everything, its about getting ready to start everything.
how is it that so many nice good people are out there, and yet 3 outta the 5 girls i have lived with have sucked?

alone

when im alone i get sucked up by all these feelings. I think of what i have, and what i dont. I think of how to change but stay true to me. I often wish that i could write songs because i have so much to get out but don't know how. i get in my i tunes and listen to music that fits my mood and write down lyrics that fit perfectly, i wish they were my own.

finished.

4 days

it's been 4 days since i have heard from you.
even more since i have seen you.
i know i was feeling something
now it feels like withdraw.
i heard that i might be going back
things like that are fuel to my fire.
i need to know that you are ok,
even if you dont care, i still do.

Make it work

i can't figure out how i could make it work between us,
but i also can't stop thinking there must be a way
don't you even dare thinking that i have forgotten you

far away from home

i was far away from home
but now i am far away from you
I miss you
but i know it would never be
no one understands
the little bit that i feel missing
but with you there was something
something new
something i will not know because
i had only a short while
just keep in touch and know that i miss you

I should tell you

This is the time of our lives. we should learn to enjoy it. if times get hard, work to make it better. If you can't make it better, try to find something that is well make you feel better. words of a refrigerator or old cartoons on Boomerang. anything to make you smile, find it and hold on.

Mr. Lackey

sometimes i wonder if i should send Mr. Lackey a thank you letter explaining how no matter how much i hated his class in high school it prepared me so much. on tuesday i actually explained a concept to my friend in the class by using a little saying that Lackey always used.
(hodhi-hidho)/(hoho)
sure at the time we all laughed at him for teaching this to us but i can't believe i remembered it and used it.
so..... thanks Lackey

why?

why do we pretend things are perfectly fine when they are not? why do we think we cant tell people that we like them? i have found that things are better when you talk about them, so why do i always feel guilty about talking or "ranting"? when you know you have a short time to do something why do you always sit on you butt till it is too late? why, when your music is on suffle, does a song that expresses just how you feel always come on?