winter break

it's been what a week and i am already bored. bored all the time. i went back to school yesterday and it was odd. it felt differently then it was last time i went back. there is this girl that took my spot. she said cute things, she flirts with dylan, she is the new girl in the shop. idk im not mad i knew that it would happen lol it was just odd. anyway idk im just kinda tired of break. i know right it is super weird, i should want to be free and hang out, but no one is calling and its just boring.

Fall Quarter 2007

all my grades are in. Thank you so much for advising me to withdraw from Calc 0.

grades are;
Life on earth ~ A
English comp 101~ B+
Biodiversity Crisis~ A
Human sex~ A
Calculus 0~ W

and that makes my GPA........ 3.75
wow that makes me feel fantastic

good luck

i dont want you to go away, but if it is what you want then i wish you the best of luck. and it is bittersweet saying i wish you luck cause the selfish side of me is screaming at me for saying it, but the side of me that wants the best for you is way stronger and is dying for your smile and your hug.
Im not sure i understand but i know that tomorrow is way important, you are one of the smartest people i know so i know youll do great.

Fall Quarter

i'm finished. i just emailed my professor the term paper that has been keeping me up all night for the past few days. im so so glad that it is break. sighhhhh my headache is even starting to go away!
anyway um hope all is going well for you on this terrific Thursdays!

but i could

i know i dont see you much now but the fact that you are here and i could see you adds some kinda comfort. so yeah i guess you leaving does make me a wee bit uneasy.

meet new people?

Meeting new people..... sounds scary to me.
i mean how do you go about meeting someone? here at UC quarters are 11 weeks long. in a time span of 11 weeks in classes 3 times a week 50 min each i am supposed to meet someone and be their friend. i should feel good enough about the new "relationship" to tell them to contact me??
lets think 11*3*50= 27 and 1/2 hours.
i personally also miss some classes and some classes are canceled so really it is less then that.
so how do you meet people? i dont want to be a creep that meets online (thats just scary), and honestly im pretty shy.

no say when you are stuck in a hole

people say things sometimes like "well, be with him" but really do we have any say in those issues? i say no. i have no control over how you feel and i honestly have very little over what i feel. I always feel something that you do not and i have no say in what happens next. guys want a girl to show interest but when a girl is interested and they guy only pretends to be how in the world should the girl know? how in the world would the girl know the guy doesnt want something, the girl just digs her self in to a hole and then when the guy tells her he love to flirt but thats all it is the girl is stuck in the hole.... alone...... and hurt that there is no one to help her out..... but even more so hurt that there is no one else in the hole with her. no one willing to be in the hole, willing to spend time with her and give her a shot at being more then the flirt.

hard to tell

sometimes if you are feeling kind of lonely it is hard to tell if you like a person or the idea of a person. recently i have been trying to convince myself that i like this guy because he likes me and it turns out i dont. i like that he likes me and i like that he is sweet to me, but you shouldnt have to convince yourself that someone is good for you. you should know. and if you doubt it, they probably are not.
im sorry if i "lead you on" but i am new at this and some times it is just hard to tell. i still want to be friends and talk but i cant pretend to feel something i dont.

never

i cant stop.

this is hard for me

it is way hard for me but i think i am working on moving on. im letting someone else in. if you cant be with me then i cant keep waiting. i cant keep thinking that no one will ever love me when there are people that might.

6 years.... its not easy to let go, but he wants a chance. ill give it a shot.

please tell me

you must not know how much your desisions affect me. you must not know all those tears are for you. you must not know how much you can hurt or help me.
so please, when you make important choices, please tell me.
today my tears were wasted because of you not keeping me informed.
i would tell you if i changed my life
please tell me

know

you didnt want me to know. but i do. i wish i didnt. but now that i do it is in the back of my head.
im sorry that i know now. really i have no real connection to you so idk y i care. but i know and i do care... a lot.

just thought you'd like to know that i know

withdraw

I am Jill.... i am a perfectionist. getting a W is iffy to me. i am convincing myself this is good.

now or later

are we saposed to be living for now or late. if i want to be happy should i be happy today or tomorrow.
what goes up must come down, so is it true that what goes down must go up?
if i do something that makes me really happy then will it make me sad later? what if i do something that makes me sad does that make me happy later?

i wonder

i wonder if in the future we will wonder what we missed out on now. will you ever think back and think about me and what about me, will i ever think of you.
one of colbie caillat's songs just makes me wonder.....
"Realize"
[V1:] Take time to realize, That your warmth is. Crashing down on in.Take time to realize,That I am on your sideDidn't I, Didn't I tell you.But I can't spell it out for you, No it's never gonna be that simpleNo I cant spell it out for you
[C:] If you just realize what I just realized, Then we'd be perfect for each otherAnd will never find anotherJust realized what I just realizedWe'd never have to wonder if We missed out on each other now.
[V2:] Take time to realizeOh-oh I'm on your sideDidn't I, didn't I tell you.Take time to realizeThis all can pass you by.. Didn't I tell youBut I can't spell it out for you,No its never gonna be that simpleNo I can't spell it out for you.
[C:] If you just realized what I just realizedThen we'd be perfect for each other Then we'd never find another Just realized what I just realizedWe'd never have to wonder if We missed out on each other now.
[V3:] It's not always the sameNo it's never the same If you don't feel it to.If you meet me half wayIf you would meet me half way.It could be the same for you.
[C:] If you just realized what I just realizedThen we'd be perfect for each other Then we'd never find another Just realized what I just realizedWe'd never have to wonder Just realized what I just realizedOoOoOOoMissed out on each other now Missed out on each other now

love?

this is the triangular theory of love. i have a test in my human sex class tomorrow and i have been looking at this. it is interesting to think of who you love in what ways.

do you buy it? is there really 7 kinds of love?

my life as a sitcom

on tv shows often when the person is having a bad day they are walking in the rain next to a road, with no warning a car (usally a big truck) drives by and a wave of water splashes all over the person who is already haveing a crapy day.
today, that was me. then i was forced to go to class dripping wet.
yeah the party on sat. is pretty much keeping me going this week. it is a long hard week.
tomorrow i have 2 presentations
wednesday i have an exam that i am pretty freaked out about (sex)
after that it is just waiting

girls

i'm not sure i know how to talk to girls. i have grown up talking to guys (my brother) and when girls wanna talk i'm not sure that i use the right words. i think i often make them mad when i dont necessarily mean to.....
i also have never lived in a house with a girl. i dont think i'm good at that either.

your second choice

you just told me your news. it is so great. its a great school and i know that you wanted to go there. but here i am at your second choice. that city is a long way from here, this year really may be the last time we hang out like this. im so happy for you, or i should be. but im selfish and while i know i should be happy im actually a little sad. i actually kinda hoped you would end up here, with me.
here i am your second choice at the school that was your second choice.
but your to good for seconds you get your first pick. in girls, in schools, in life.
for now i will savor the time i get to be close to you, but know that when you go your taking a bit of my heart with you.

happy

i understand that i may not be the one to do it but i want you to be happy. so if in fact she makes you happy then i am going to try my very hardest to be happy for you, i don't time it will be that hard for me, i love you and i want whatever is best for you because i think you deserve the best.
this is not only for the guys, i think to often people come to me for advice but i can not always tell how someone makes you feel. all i want is for you to be happy and for someone to love you as much as someone should.

a bruised apple

tonight i dropped the Fuji apple and i think it got kinda bruised it. i only did it cause i was sad and he was not helping. i then turned to the good old gala apple but it was already taken by some other shopper. so instead tonight i found an apple i had only seen once but it looked so good. so i hung on to it for awhile. and now i feel closer to the gala for being there even though it was so far away and honestly i feel distant from the fuji one cause it got so bruised.
one day ill stop talking about apples and just tell the real story. lol

Apples

sometimes you think to yourself i would love to eat an apple. (well you might not think that really but lets pretend) anyway you think you want an apple and add it to the list of things you would really like to get next time you have time go to the store. you have always wanted the Granny Smith kind and you have gotten them once or twice, but this time you go to the store and you see these other kinds, the 3 that catch you eye are (of course) the granny smith (cause it is routine) the Gala (because you have seen them there but never wanted to pay that much and risk it going bad) and the Fuji (which really you have never noticed).... so in the end which apple would you buy? i mean really you cant have all three.... right? right! you need to pick an apple and stick with it.
soooo do you have any idea of why i would write this? cause it means something i swear

people need people

i am a helper. i try to help everyone. but sometimes there are problems that people cant help you fix. sometimes the only thing you can do for someone is say im here if you need to talk. that is hard for me cause like i said im a helper. i guess what im trying to say is even if you dont know what to say to someone, and you cant help them, people just need people to be there with them. through thick and thin even if you just sit next to someone you are there and in a way i guess that helps

give it up

i was wrong, i have not moved on. you know what though? i dont need to. people choose if they are happy. right now i am happy. people should not force themselves to feel (or in my cause not feel) something they don't (or do). Im growing, I'm learning, and I'm happy about it all.

my life

this is my life and i shall do things my way. if something makes me happy i will keep it. way would you choose to be depressed. worst feeling in the world if you ask me

happy

someone will make me happy. for now i am healing

i'm worth dying for

kate had me read something and it was all about how i am a creation of god and he loves me. so so what if i dont have a boy and so what if boys just view me a friend. i am good enough for god and that is a big huge deal. and yeah i knew that all along but reading this little thing made me remember. so yeah i love you but if you are not willing to fight for me and know who i am inside then your not really worth my time.
i just wish that you would fight to know me cause i still do think we would be great. until that day that you or someone else loves me, i have god and he does not care about my imperfections he loves me anyway.

wish and wait

every morning and every night
every eyelash and every star
i always make the same wish
you said they never come true
but I'm holding out hope
hope that one day all my wishes will be enough
and you will see me
not just me but beyond me
the real me


<3

the forgotten

i talked to you today
i musta forgotten about how much you mean to me
i musta forgotten how you make me smile
i dont remember forgetting
but it had to have happened
i know it did because when i talked to you
when i pictured your face
it all came rushing back

suddenly i thought of you and i knew
i knew everything i had felt
everything i had seen in you
everything you were to me
i miss you but those feelings are gone

i have grown and your still young
so i miss you but i can never go back there.
ill never get those feelings back

A day with mom

so on Saturday my mom and i took a short trip to UC to buy my books. we parked at a meter and off we went.
1st stop was the book store. because it was my first quarter i decided to actually go to the really book store not the cheaper off campus store. anyway we went to get the books and after spending a whole bunch of money on books required for my 18 credit hours. then we carried the 500 pounds of books up to the car and left them for step 2 of the journey.
2nd stop was lunch. we went to the panera under my apartments. i had a good time. and we just talked. it is odd to think that all summer i was with her and now that she is back at school and i am getting ready to move down there i miss spending time with her. just going to lunch and shopping and stuff. which brings up to......
3rd and final part of the day was shopping at urban outfitters across the street. it was a really cool store and some of the stuff was way expensive, but in the lower floor they had some really nice sale stuff. i didn't get anything but i will be going back to get my rug for my room. then we had to stop by kenwood and go to old navy and get a gift for my cousin.

anyway..... happy birthday jen.

going to the zoo, zoo, zoo, how about you you you?

today jill and i went to the cinci zoo and had a fantastic time. because most people are going to school it was empty. well while we where in jungle trails i meant this man. he started working at the zoo in year 1966. so yeah he is up there lol. i asked him some questions and he ask where i was going to school i told him and i told him i was thinking of getting a job with the nocturnal adventures people, he said he has friends over there and i gave him my name. yay! im pumped

Best day ever

today was SO great. jill and i went down to Newport and went to the aquarium and it was the best time i have had in a while. we meant this guy that was so interesting and we learned so much. he was very nice to us and answered all of our questions, then he took us on our very own tour of the "backstage" area. it was crazy.
oh yeah then we found five dollars which we used towards our Dewey's pizza.

pon and zi

these guys are called pon and zi i think they are the cutest little guys ever. i love you.

Classes

so i went to the orientation at UC. we signed up for classes. i might add things to get easy a's

Life on Earth: Evolution, Diversity, and Ecology
MWF

English Composition I
TH

Calculus 0
MW <<< night

Learning Community Link
MW

Human Sexuality
MWF

victims

today i was supposed to take part in a mock school shooting. instead i left. i could not do it. i was assigned a part where i was shoot and i had an entrance and exit wound. i was going to die and something about it all was too much for me and i got light headed -- i was going to pass out so i had to go home. i still feel like something is wrong. it was too real and i was not ready for it at all. the idea of dying in a school highway all alone. and having a gun pointed to me. i couldn't do it. i just felt really alone and well i needed someone with me.

I'm glad i didn't do it but.... i feel like i was weak.... yeah i know it's dumb.

an update on the cat

the cat is gone. i have not seen her for around 4 days. i feel bad cause we hurt her feelings, but it is best you know... i have 3 dogs and they all wanted to eat her... plus this is not her home.

the forth

For forth of july celebrations i got to see my UC people and i am so glad cause i missed them a lot. Being with them really helps me relax about next year. i know they are the only ones who read this so, thanks. love you guys!

cat

ok so there is this cat.... i dont know who owns her but she thinks i do. every night she comes to my house around 10 and stays until morning. this was no big deal but now she has been coming during the day and she wants in the house. it is kinda bothersome to always slam the door in her face. not to mention she now walks on my new car. this ticks me off. if you know ANY way to keep her off my car please tell me. i am going to petsmart tomorrow. blahhhhh i wish the owner would keep her inside. or well i hope she has an owner.

Lucy

i got a new car.... lucy is her name and she is so cute. right now i am putting her through a lot.... i have to learn to drive her. You see she is a stick shift and I never took the time to know how to drive one. so once i know how she will be all over town so you all can see her.

Grad Party

so my party went really well i think. I had a great time and a bunch of my friends came. some people showed up who i did not figure would come. i love you guys and yeah thats all

hit and skip

so a hit and skip is the same as a hit and run but with a motorcycle. tonight was quite a crazy night and i absolutely hope nothing like this ever happens to any of you or to me ever again. i am so glad the guy from my Psychology class was there to help me and help me chill out. I'm still shaking but I'm ok......

weird

i really have no clue what to write but i know i want to write something. things have been feeling really weird recently. i am a teacher at drama camp. it is a camp for little kids and the highschoolers teach it. what seems weird is that the school is not mine. we tried to get on the computer system and we are no longer in it. then we had a meeting about next years camp and everyone realized that we are not allowed to do it next year. it is really just weird that's all.

sand dollar

I believe in holding on until you really feel ready to lose what you are holding. If you are in an ocean and have a sand dollar in your hand, if you let go even for one second, chances are you will never get it back. If, by chance, you do do you feel the same joy in finding it?

postsecret

postsecret is late updating and i am having a hard time going to bed because of it... my life is sad

Friends

i always thought we where good friends but after this... after you thought i would behave in such a manner... i have to wonder how well you knew me. if you know me you would know that is not a piece of who i am, nor has it ever been. i do not attack people who have hurt me. i stay quiet and get over it. so why would you be so accusing? you should have known i had nothing to do with this. think about it, really.

Done

so yeah i am outta there.... i wish there was not so much crap going on when i left but you take what you get.... i am ready to grow up but not to lose those who i began to grow with

i would love to just recieve hugs... they make me feel loved

held

i want to be held... i want human contact, nothing sexual.. i just would like to cuddle and hold hands. that's what i need. i need to know someone is there.

crazy

today was just super weird...
i cried like 2 times.
said i dont know about a million times.
laughed a lot.
and yes i even talked about my "feelings"

me emotions are just off the chart and to be honest i have no clue why. if i did man i would get them back on chart.

exaggeration

i think this blog is more for me then anyone else, i really don't think anyone knows about it but it's ok cause sometimes you just need to say things....
right now i am so ready to graduate... not to leave mason high but to be done with all the dumb drama that happens there. girls over exaggerate everything and then you starts hearing rumors about yourself... idk i just wish people could just grow up sometimes.
i'm not really sure where a lot of my relationships are right now... i just hope they dont get thrown away because of petty issues.
anyway dont get me wrong i love mason and i love my friends but grow up

Cappie

so our school did really well on the cappies... i actually got nominated and that is a big deal... for me at least. it is a lot like a highschool version of a tony. :-) anyway everyone know about it so everyone is congradulating. the problem is i dont wanna get my hopes up because mason never wins. i mean NEVER. it is because we have a super cool school and they expect more outta us.

burnt

burnt...... it hurts really bad..... cant wait for prom though so it is all worth it

Show

The show is going really well. you still have 2 chances to come see it

Brigadoon

Brigadoon is next week. Hooray!
Go see the show!
Thurs @ 7PM
Fri @ 8PM
Sat @ 8PM
Sun @ 3PM

update

hey,
ok 1st off i miss a bunch of my friends. i have not been to UC in a while and well. i really miss Sean, Mandy and Jason.
2nd i bought my prom dress in Florida and i also now have a date. we are going as friends and we are cool with that. i still wish there was not so much DRAMA behind everything but i guess it is high school and i just need to deal with it for 39 more days
3rd the play starts next week. come see it. i think it will all come together and be great.... the band joins us tomorrow so lets keep the fingers crossed.
um yeah that's it......

Florida!!!!

so i am going to florida for all of spring break and it will be a great time..... i am just going to lay on the beach and chill... i will call andrea to check in a few times and other then that it is a week off.... a week with no play, no school, no prom, and no boys.... well none of my boys. i just want to chill with my best friend and my brother.
have a great week tell you more later.

Getting better

ok so today was so much better....
i go to second bell and start to tell messer i don't have $ for ceder point because i got it all taken and i found out that someone, anonymously gave her $30 for my trip and asked her not to tell who they where. i am so happy, i feel like someone really cared. so who ever you are i wanna say thank you soooooooo much.

BAD day

today was a really super bad day...
1) i decided to give blood, ok thats cool save a life. too bad i make it to the end of my bag and start to like pass out..... that was some scary stuff.... i'm glad peter came to stand by me when they made me lay there for like an hour
2) so i am in 3rd bell and i get in my purse and it seems weird i figure i left my calculator at home and forget about it
3) i am sitting in Brit lit and the school police officer walks in and has my wallet. oh crap! turns out it was stolen during the blood drive and they took all $120.... it was my Florida money and ceder point $
4) so now i am just really upset and i go to the costume shop and ball my eyes out.....

yeah so today sucked and i really dont feel like i will get the $ back.... People suck i wanna be done with highschool.

Prom

Prom should not really cause this much stress. it is what... a month away and i have no clue what i am doing. but.... i do have a dress picked out.

Pancakes?

last night i had a life changing moment. I made my 1st ever pancake. i had tried in the past to make pancakes but for some reason they did not turn in to a solid. last night my brother taught me how to make them. i feel somewhat better about going to college.... it is weird that something like that made me feel better. My mom has been telling me i needed to learn to cook and i don't know how to do a lot but i can make pancakes.

Heaven paper

for English we had to write about our heavenly situation. this is mine story.

As we sit in the clearing of the woods, I find a seat on the fallen log. It is mid September just before out college resumes. He has now begun to build what will soon be our fire. As he continues to work, I look around noticing the falling leaves, the wind softly blowing, and I can't help but feel at peace with not only myself but with everything around me. Our fire is staring and the sun is setting. he finds a seat next to mine and we sit in the silence. He takes out his old acoustic guitar and strums a few scales, soon i recognize the tune of black bird. His voice sings the lyrics i know too well.
The night sky is now all that is left and the music has all but stopped. I lay down on the now moist ground and stare up at the sky. as he slowly moves to join me i saver the smell of the early fall leaves. He joins me. Right then at that very moment we are a piece of nature, we have no influence in the lives of others and they have no influence on us. we are just there. In my mind I come to peace with my appearance, I don't care what i look like or that i am in my holy jeans and his baggy sweatshirt. I also have come to grips with the way i act and feel. I have one boy that loves me and will sit with me and watch the stars. That is all i need
I am whole, I am complete.




yeah thats all i just liked this and put it up maybe later i will post my hell paper too

Hello

I hope to stay committed to this blog. This blog is going to be a lot different for me. This is not a goofy blog like xanga. This will instead be a blog of my thoughts as i grow into who i will be for the rest of my life. This is a serious interpretation of life around me. These are my thoughts, comment if you wish.